take my advice, i’m not using it.

You’ve got questions. I’ve got answers.

Some of my most popular posts throughout a decade of blogging have been the “open comments” posts. The ones where you get to — anonymously, or not — ask any question that comes to mind, and be guaranteed an honest, candid answer. The topics have ranged from the cerebral to the perverse, the whimsical to the downright scary. But through it all, we’ve all come out having a pretty damn good time, and with this forum, that kind of dialogue will be open 24/7.

If you’re looking for “credentials” for this advice column, how’s this one: I’ll tell you the stuff you’re friends are too chickenshit to say themselves. It may not always be pretty, but it will always be real.

For now, until a better system is in place, feel free to drop your questions in a comment to this post– once again, anonymous is all good, but if you want to sign it, that’s grand too. Your comment will not appear until it’s screened and ready to be answered.

Then, check back with the main site for your posted reply. Even better, subscribe and you’ll be alerted to all new posts!

Jump In With Both Feet (Just Make Sure It’s Not the Shallow End)

Dear Snuff,

So there’s this girl I work with who I’ve basically admired from afar since I joined my company over a year ago. She and I are in different departments, but our paths cross every few weeks or so and because of where my desk is, I catch sight of her virtually every day. For a long time, I wasn’t on her radar at all. Then, in January, we happened to be at the bathroom sinks at the same time, so I took the opportunity to say “Hey, you’re X, right?”

She’s sort of known around the office for wearing really vibrant outfits (that’s what first attracted me to her) so I complimented her on that and said seeing the colors always makes my day a bit brighter. She was really flattered, and since then we’ve had an in-person acquaintanceship based on waving and saying hi, and we also follow each other on Twitter and speak occasionally through that.

I’m pretty sure she’s straight (or at least identifies as such) so I don’t harbor too strong of a hope that I’d even have a chance with her, but I’ve been able to glean from her tweets over the past few months that despite how confidently she presents herself, she has some insecurities related to her weight and she hates that she isn’t in a relationship/blames the reason she isn’t on some kind of failing on her part. Would it be completely out of line to confess my feelings and tell her that while I don’t necessarily expect anything in the way of reciprocation, I just want her to know there’s someone out there who absolutely thinks she’s beautiful exactly the way she is and would be honored to date her?

I know our current relationship isn’t exactly a lot to lose, but although we don’t work directly with each other, we’re bound to run into each other from time to time and I don’t want that to be awkward for either of us. That said, I really love to give her compliments and make her smile, and I feel if our roles were reversed, I’d be flattered to know someone had a crush on me and saw me in such a positive light, regardless of whether I returned their feelings. In fact, I’ve had friends admit unrequited crushes in the past and vice-versa, and we’ve always been able to move past it.

What do you think? Should I share the way I feel or keep my mouth shut and stick to tweeting her compliments about her magenta pants?

Thanks in advance,

Better Left Unsaid?

Snuff,
I need advice and a kick up the arse. There’s this really cute blonde stable hand at my riding school who I like. How do I ask her out without it backfiring horribly on me should she say no? My best friend has said that I should slip her a note with the lyrics to ‘Call Me Maybe’ and my number on it. So now I can’t go to riding without that song in my head.
Thanks in advance,
Hopeless

What’s up, Better Left Unsaid and Hopeless…

I’m putting your posts together into one column because of their similarities, but also to help display what a common situation it is that you both currently find yourselves in. Everyone is in this spot at one time or another. And the best advice is easy: GO FOR IT! And here’s why:

Young and (not) in Love

Yo, Snuff.
Before I get to my question, I’m gonna ramble about things that probably don’t make any sense. Anyways, here goes.
To some, I’m The Listener. You wanna get something off your chest, you come to me, cuz I don’t judge.
To others I’m The Cute Younger Sibling They Never Had… or something like that. I don’t know, it kind of confuses me cuz I’m normally the oldest one there. But I look younger than I am, so maybe that’s it. Anyways, I really don’t like playing this role cuz I’m usually dubbed this by a chick I’m crushing on. Those friendships don’t last long.
Then, I’m The Jokester. The people who know me as this have never had a serious conversation with me.
Next is The Source of Entertainment. The people who see me as this, I don’t really like all that much, cuz it’s set up like a dog chasing it’s tail, and everyone else is just laughing. I’m the dog.
Finally, I’m the Best Friend. Only three people in my life have ever gotten to see this side of me, because only three people have ever tried to see me as more than one of the above titles. Sadly, only one still remains because only one takes the time out of their day to talk to me (I’ve moved out of the city, and with the price of gas these days it’s too expensive to visit).
Now, if you’ll notice, not one of the roles above is anything more than friendship. I know I’m still a kid (just recently turned 18), and fresh outta high school. Thing is I’ve never been so much as kissed. The only relationship (if you can even call it that) I’ve ever been in was online, and it lasted all of 3 weeks. She kept telling me how much she missed her ex boyfriend, and how much she loved him. Yeah…
Anyways, I was wondering just what the hell I’m doing wrong. How come all these people around me are meeting all these other people, and doing that whole lovey dovey twitterpated crap, but I keep getting turned down. I’m also quite tired of experiencing all of my heartbreak in the ever dreaded Friend Zone.
I make people laugh, I make ‘em smile, I listen when it’s needed, I bitch people out when they need to hear it, and when they need to forget I start nonsensical conversations. They tell me I have an awesome personality, that I’m an amazing person who has an amazing smile. But if I’m so amazing, then why am I getting turned down? And by the people who tell me these things! Where did I mess up!?
Am I too much the clown? Too nice? Not nice enough? I’m not good looking, but I don’t shatter mirrors either. Online chick is a tad bit shallow and doesn’t understand how anybody could like somebody else if they aren’t pretty or cute or something. I dunno, I didn’t quite understand her reasoning.
Anyways, I bathe, I brush my teeth, and I wash my clothes so I know it’s not a hygiene issue. So is it that I’m a guy but not? I don’t get how. Not many know, cuz I don’t go out covered in tape with my pants stuffed. I know I’d never get away with it. My voice is too feminine. And I don’t make it a big issue either. If it were I would have robbed a bank and spent the money on a sex change.
So yeah… lots of rambling. Not sure if any of it made sense or not, but if it did, if you could tell me where I fucked up (besides being long winded), that’d be cool. I need some cold hard truth and not that sugar coated bullshit that I’m normally fed. Which is exactly why I’m asking you this question and not going to Dear Abby.

- HankTheWaffle

What’s up, Hank?

I just got this question last night, and bumped it up to the head of the line because it honestly took me so long to read that I decided, “Fuck it, might as well answer.” You were NOT JOKING when you said you were going to ramble on. I appreciate your honesty, and next time I’m gonna trust you, instead of just blindly scrolling. I tease you out of love, of course.

Sounds like you’ve put a hell of a lot of thought into what OTHER people think about you.